Babies communicate their needs with their first cry and continue to do so in different ways as they grow and develop more complex methods of communicating. When these needs are met by loving parents, children feel safe, secure, and are likely to thrive developmentally. When these needs aren’t met, a breeding ground is created for behavior problems, relational problems, mental health disorders, and many other issues. It can seem like these “needs” are purely physical, but that is only a part of it. The other equally important part, is the more ambiguous realm of emotional needs.
The challenge that I often run into when discussing the topic of “unmet needs” with parents of TCKs is that they, most often, are wonderful parents who have done a fantastic job of meeting their children’s emotional and physical needs and therefore, they don’t think that this will be an issue. Unfortunately, I believe that this contributes to why the issue of “unmet needs” is so prevalent among TCKs. During high-stress seasons (such as transitions to and from living overseas), the children’s need for emotional support goes up while their parent’s mental and physical capacity to meet their children’s needs (and even their own!) goes down. This often results in stressed-out parents who have children with unmet emotional needs. Even the most fabulous, attentive parents can run into this challenge if it is not consciously combatted.
When entering a new culture, the parents themselves are in “survival mode” for a while; attempting to find their footing in an entirely new culture. The children are simultaneously relying on these culture-stressed parents for assurance of safety, security, and emotional stability as they also attempt to find a new normal. Unfortunately, this combination can often result in the children subconsciously feeling as if their emotional needs are not met. Not only is meeting the emotional needs of children critical in the child’s own health and development, but if a child’s emotional needs go routinely unmet throughout their childhood, it is likely to affect their own parenting one day, thus creating a vicious generational cycle. (This is a common issue that we are seeing in Adult TCKs as they become parents themselves.) By looking at ways to address emotional needs during the child’s life spent overseas and particularly during the transition to and from living overseas, parents can prevent this cycle from occurring and strengthen their relationship with their TCK.
So, how can you be intentional about identifying and meeting the emotional needs of your TCK?
1. Be Sensitive. You know your children and can sense when they are “off,” but sometimes the stress of moving can cause parents to forget to pay attention to their children’s emotions. Be sensitive and mindful to what they may be feeling and be willing to take the necessary actions to respond well to those feelings.
2. Know your children. Are they introverted? Extroverted? Independent? Anxiety-prone? How might these things play into their emotions during a move? Has your introvert had too much people-time? Does your independent child feel like they’re expected to be strong and independent so they don’t burden you? Does your anxious child feel stressed about the upcoming plane ride? Only by knowing your children can you really identify what their emotional needs are.
3. Them-Care. This is the best phrase that I can come up with for doing self-care for your children. Young children are not in tune with their emotions enough to know what they need in order to recharge, and older children may need to be coached through self-care. Figure out what your children need to recharge themselves and then help them to do that. This is particularly important during transitions. Does your introvert need some alone time? Is your other child recharged by quality time with you? Does another need some extra snuggles? Time exploring the outdoors? Do you all need a restful pajama day?
4. Listen for the needs. It can be easy when you are under stress, to hear what your children say, but not realize the underlying meaning to their words. Often, emotional needs are communicated very indirectly. So, when your child says, “Will you play with me?” Perhaps what they really mean is, “I need quality time with you.” Or, when your other, introverted child has an outburst because they don’t want to go to another event in the new place, maybe they are saying, “I’ve met so many new people and that makes me so tired! I just need some alone time to recharge!” Listen for the needs and then find ways to help them with their own self-care.
5. Don’t forget yourself. In order to meet your children’s emotional needs, it is important that you are also in-tune with your own emotions and needs. Your children need to see self-care modeled in order to understand the importance and process of meeting their own emotional needs. I’ve written more in-depth about this here.
It takes extra time and energy to tune in and be sensitive to your children’s needs, especially when you yourself are struggling to find your footing in the midst of transition. But, it is so important that you are meeting their emotional needs. Not only does it help to foster your relationship with your children, but it sets them up to be people who can identify their own needs, and eventually the needs of their own children. So, what do you need? What do they need? How can you be intentional about meeting your children’s emotional needs during transition?
Read more about working through emotions with your TCKs: